In Memory... by vanishing
Author's Notes:
Here you go, finally! The April, special addition ...addition of the "Finsing What Is" series has arrived! (with Easter in mind but not playing the part that I'd hoped... playing practically no part, sadly, but the connection in my head) I don't know quite how it fits in with the rest of the chapters so far, but I've had this idea in my head for about two years, and it wouldn't leave me alone. Enjoy!
In memory of my great grandma; because Easter was hers...
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Teyla woke up feeling profoundly sad. She felt tired and sick, and there was a heaviness in her chest that made her feel as if her heart was breaking. It took tremendous effort to force her body to stay awake; she desperately wanted to roll over and sleep this strange feeling away. But she managed to drag herself out of bed and get dressed. That was as far as she got before a sudden wave of darkness hit her, and she fell to her knees in pain as she suddenly realized why she felt this way. She gasped as her ghosts attacked her, screaming, accusing, condemning; and she was afraid that she would pass out. A knock on her door, accompanied by it's gentle chime, broke through the haze in her mind.
"Teyla?" it was John's voice.
"John!" she choked, and she saw him come in. But she could see nothing clearly.
John had com to find her when she'd been late for breakfast; but he'd heard odd sounds in her room, and had called to her. Her answer had sounded strange, scared; and suddenly worried he'd rushed in to find her on her knees, clutching a half-opened drawer of her dresser with white-knuckled fingers and looking absolutely terrified.
She didn't seem to be looking at him; it was like she couldn't focus. Suddenly, she began to retch, adn she started vomiting. He ran instantly to her side, his strong hands guiding her to the bathroom where she continued to throw up for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, the sickness subsided, and she sat back on her heels, exhausted.
John wet a towel and lifted her chin, and gently cleaned her face. Then he drew her into his arms and rested his cheek on her head, and tried to warm her cold clammy skin. She sat tensely in his arms, her whole body shaking.
For a long time they just sat there, and she finally began to relax, and her muscles stopped trembling. Only then did John try to speak.
"Are you okay?"
"Yes," she whispered, blushing. "I am sorry, that has not happened in a long time." He looked her over with concern.
"Are you sure you're not sic Do you want me to call Dr. Beckett?"
"No, I am fine," she assured him. "It is not that."
"Can you tell me what it was?" he asked gently. She hesitated, but then sighed.
"My ghosts came back to haunt me." she said, confusing him.
"Like, real ghosts?" In this galaxy, he wouldn't be ssurprised. But Teyla shook her head.
"They are only in my head; but they feel very real."
"Are you gonna be okay?" he asked. She nodded slowly.
"I will be." They sat in silence for a while, broken only by her occasional deep breaths, before John gambled with another question.
"Why today?"
"This is the day that my mother died," she explained. "And it is a holiday among my people; it was Charin's favorite holiday." Sheppard remembered the sweet old Athosian woman who reminded him of his grandmother; and that she had died a few months back. But deep in a different crisis and trying to save the city, he'd neer gotten a chance to say goodbye, let alone comfort his team-mate.
"I'm sorry," he said, hugging her gently.
"Charin used to do everything for today," Teyla murmured, the loss of her friend much more raw than the loss of her mother, "That me and Halling need to do now. She told the stories, she would perform the ceremony that Halling and I must... I feel like such a CHILD, crying about this!" she laughed bitterly at herself. "But she was ALWAYS THERE: I never imagined what it would be like when she was gone." she turned her head into his chest and wept.
John held er, not sure what else to do. He knew that he was no good with words; knowing his luck, he'd just make it worse. So instead, he tried to let his actions speak his love, figuring that it would be far more effective. He rocked her gently and stroked her hair, being as soft and gentle as possible.
Eventually, Teyla straightened, and attempted to dry her tears.
"I need to go over to the mainland, soon" she said. "They expect me, they need me..."
"Don't they care about what YOU need?" she sighed, ans set her jaw.
"I need to do this."
"Teyla, they shouldn't be making you do this if it makes you miserable. It's not fair of your people-"
"They gave me the choice to do it or not," she told him. "And I chose to go. I need to do this, for both of them. This is the last way that I can honor Charin." John knew that no matter how she felt, she was going to do it, too. He searched his mind fot something that he could do; he couldn't stand to see her so upset and not be able to do anything.
"I'll come with you!" he blurted. Teyla's eyes softened. "I'll come with you," he repeated, "for as long as you need me." Teylalooked at him with big, earnest eyes.
"Thank you, John," she whispered.
"Anytime," he assured her. He looked around for a clock. "Do you know what time you need to be over there? Teyla glanced into her room, which had gotten lighterin the past couple of minutes as the sun started to rise.
"Soon," she asaid simply.
"Okay, so meet me in the jumper bay in... ten minutes?" he must have guessed close enough to "soon", because she nodded.
"Ten minutes," she agreed. John helped her to her feet, and went to go prep the jumper and inform Elizabeth of his plans.
Ten minutes later, Teyla was at the jumper. John stepped down the ramp, and noticed that she had changed; and there was now no evidence of what he had witnessed that morning on her face now.
"You ready to go?" she nodded.
"Yes."
For a while they were quiet, as John set them ona course towards the mainland.
"So, tell me about this holiday," he asked eventually. Teyla shrugged.
"One of Charin's anscestors, Laelee was taken; and she escaped, and helped many others to escape the wraith as well. We celebrate her return."
"Return?"
"Yes, she came back a year later with over fifty refugees, and one who claimed to be a runner. They eventually married."
"That's pretty cool," John said. "So what kind of ceremony is it?"
"It is difficult to explain," she dodged. "But much of it is sung. Years ago, Charin and my grandfather used to do it..." he saw her eyes get misty with the memories.
"Is there anything that you need me to do?" he questioned, wanting to be able to do more than just be there. Teyla shook her head, though.
"It is enough that you will be there," she assured him, before sinking into silence again and fooling with her necklace. In spite of everything, that necklace still made John smile. He didn't know why it always surprised him when she wore it; because she always did, and he figured that he shouldn't be shocked anymore. But it meant more to him than he had ever admitted; because of what it actually did mean, regardless of whether or not she knew what that was. He still did.
"The best in me," he murmured to himself, hiding his smile at the memory. Yes, everything good in him came out when she was there. He couldn't imagine going back to earth and leaving her behind.
He snapped abruptly out of his reverie as the mainland came into view.
"Almost there, he announced, breaking Teyla out of her thoughts as well. She took a deep, steadying breath, and John was briefly concerbed that she really wasn't okay. But he remembered their earlier conversation; and while she looked exhausted, she was determined; and he was sure that she would do it even if she were dying. She had to go through with this.
When they landed, several of her people whisked her away for last minute preparations or something, and John didn't see her again until right before the ceremony started. She was suddenly right before him, hugging him tightly as if that was the only thing keeping her from falling. Awkwardly, he returned her hug, and finally she looked up at him and smiled shakily.
"Thank you," she whispered. Then she went and joined Halling, who was standing before the crowd of Athosians, who waited patiently in respectful silence for the two to begin the ceremony. And after a moment and another deep breath, she began to sing.
John was instantly captivated by the sound of her voice as the first notes rose into the air. They were high and clear and perfect; he didn't recognize the words that she was singing, buthe doubted that he would have remembered a single one after. What really mattered was the sound of her voice; and he was almost angry when Halling's low, rich voice rose to join hers, taking some of the focus off of her lyrical tones.
He'd known that Teyla could sin; but for all the time that he'd known her he'd never heard her REALLY sing before. He regretted never paying attention before.
Far too soon, that part of the ceremony was over; and time was taken to honor the descendants of each of the refugees that had been rescued, as well as those of the direct line Laelee herself. And there was a smaller, separate ceremony also, to honor Teyla's mother as well. After all of the ceremonies were complete, everyone gathered a large, heavy-laden tables and shared a meal, secretly one of John's favorite Athosian traditions.
"That was amazing," he murmured to Teyla, sliding into a seat next to her at the table. She looked up at him and smiled tiredly.
"Thank you," she said earnestly.
"Why don't you sing for us?" he asked, taking a sip of his drink and making a face at the bitter flavor.
"I do not often have a chance," she said. "And it is not something that I do simply to perform; it has to MEAN something." she took a sip of her own drink, and didn't even blink.
"So how much more of this is there?" he asked. "I mean, how much longer to you have to be here?"
"Until tomorrow."
"Do you want me to stay tonight? Everyone else is coming over to the beach tomorrow morning for one of MY favorite holidays; so I'd be back anyways." she nodded slowly.
"I would like that," she seemed about to continue, but one of her people said something to her, and instantly the vulnerability that she had with him disappeared, and she was once again the strong, unshakable leader that she'd always been for her people. John pretended to concentrate on his meal, secretly still watching her. She didn't seem to need him, but he definitely needed to be there.
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The various ceremonies and traditions lasted well past dark, but eventually the children were sent to bed, and all the adults gathered around fires with hot drinks and talked, simply glad to be together with a reason to celebrate.
John stayed close to Teyla, but her people gave her space, knowing that this day in particular had been haard for her. She joined one of the groups by the fires, but they drifted aways slowly until John and Halling were the only ones left with her.
"Are you alright?" Halling asked, kneeling before her and taking her hands. Teyla nodded slowly.
"Yes," the word came out a sigh. John saw Halling look deep into her eyes.
"Aly and Charin have both been honored today," he told her.
"So has Adia," Teyla replied. Halling didn't;t answer, just bowed his head, and she leaned forward until her forehead touched his. After a long moment, the spell was broken, and Halling left, leaving Sheppard and Teyla alone by the fire.
"Who was Aly?" John asked hesitantly.
"My mother."
"Oh," he paused. "And Adia?"
"She was Halling's wife," she explained. "She was killed by a wraith."
"I'm sorry," from the tone of her voice, he could tell that she and Adia had been very good friends. He kicked himself for making her dwell on it, and wished that he could take it back.
Uncharacteristically, Teyla leaned against him, beyond exhaustion. He felt her sigh and relax against him, and soon her slow, even breathing informed him that she was asleep.
"John?" she mumbled sleepily, surprising him for a bout half a second. But he should have known that Teyla didn't sleep that easy.
"Yeah, Teyla?"
"Thank you for all that you've done for me, especially today. I..." she yawned, "...I do not think that I could have done this without you."
"I'll do whatever you need me to do," he promised, not remembering if he'd already said that to her today. He felt her snuggle closer to him, and this time he was sure that she was drifting off again. He waited a few moments, but this time she really was aslep. He was glad; she needed to rest. He hoped that she would feel better tomorrow.
Eventually, he felt his eyelids grow heavy as well, and decided that he should probably find some place to bed down for the night. Gently, he lifted Teyla's sleeping form in his arms, and brought her into her tent. He laid her on the bed and covered her with a soft blanket, tenderly stroking a strand of hair back from her face. Sighing, he turned to go and saw Halling standing in the doorway, watching him carefully.
"I was just leaving-"
"I know," Halling said gravely. "But she needs you here tonight." he glanced sadly past him at their sleeping friend, his forehead lined with concern. A second later he returned his gaze to Sheppard. "As long as you promise not to-"
"What? No, never!" he promised. He would never do anything like Halling was thinking; especially not to Teyla. "I'll sleep across the door." the smallest hint of a smile chased across Halling's face.
"I believe that she will appreciate that." He sounded almost amused, and John couldn'tbegin to guess why. But the man gave him no clue; he merely bowed his head and bid him goodnight, and left the tent. Once he was gone, Sheppard gathered a pillow and a blanket that he hoped Teyla wouldn't mind him using, and laid out across her doorway and was soon fast asleep.
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Teyla woke up, and was surprised to find herself in bed; she had no memory of returning to her tent. For a moment she didn't move, but laid there, breathing deeply, feeling more rested than she had in a long time. Judging from the still darkness of her tent, she guessed it to be about four o'clock in the morning.
Gradually, she noticed someone elses soft, deep breathing. She rolled over and looked around, and her eyes settled on a dark shape laying across her doorway. As her eyes adjusted to the darkness, she saw a head of messy dark hair, and she smiled when she realized that it was John. He had no idea how comforting his position was; and she doubted that he even realized what it meant to her that he was protecting her now. She loved him so much in that moment, she wanted to tell him... but she let him sleep. He had woken up before her, and had definitely fallen asleep after. He needed to rest just as much as she had; maybe more.
She let him sleep.
Fin.
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Teyla woke up feeling profoundly sad. She felt tired and sick, and there was a heaviness in her chest that made her feel as if her heart was breaking. It took tremendous effort to force her body to stay awake; she desperately wanted to roll over and sleep this strange feeling away. But she managed to drag herself out of bed and get dressed. That was as far as she got before a sudden wave of darkness hit her, and she fell to her knees in pain as she suddenly realized why she felt this way. She gasped as her ghosts attacked her, screaming, accusing, condemning; and she was afraid that she would pass out. A knock on her door, accompanied by it's gentle chime, broke through the haze in her mind.
"Teyla?" it was John's voice.
"John!" she choked, and she saw him come in. But she could see nothing clearly.
John had com to find her when she'd been late for breakfast; but he'd heard odd sounds in her room, and had called to her. Her answer had sounded strange, scared; and suddenly worried he'd rushed in to find her on her knees, clutching a half-opened drawer of her dresser with white-knuckled fingers and looking absolutely terrified.
She didn't seem to be looking at him; it was like she couldn't focus. Suddenly, she began to retch, adn she started vomiting. He ran instantly to her side, his strong hands guiding her to the bathroom where she continued to throw up for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, the sickness subsided, and she sat back on her heels, exhausted.
John wet a towel and lifted her chin, and gently cleaned her face. Then he drew her into his arms and rested his cheek on her head, and tried to warm her cold clammy skin. She sat tensely in his arms, her whole body shaking.
For a long time they just sat there, and she finally began to relax, and her muscles stopped trembling. Only then did John try to speak.
"Are you okay?"
"Yes," she whispered, blushing. "I am sorry, that has not happened in a long time." He looked her over with concern.
"Are you sure you're not sic Do you want me to call Dr. Beckett?"
"No, I am fine," she assured him. "It is not that."
"Can you tell me what it was?" he asked gently. She hesitated, but then sighed.
"My ghosts came back to haunt me." she said, confusing him.
"Like, real ghosts?" In this galaxy, he wouldn't be ssurprised. But Teyla shook her head.
"They are only in my head; but they feel very real."
"Are you gonna be okay?" he asked. She nodded slowly.
"I will be." They sat in silence for a while, broken only by her occasional deep breaths, before John gambled with another question.
"Why today?"
"This is the day that my mother died," she explained. "And it is a holiday among my people; it was Charin's favorite holiday." Sheppard remembered the sweet old Athosian woman who reminded him of his grandmother; and that she had died a few months back. But deep in a different crisis and trying to save the city, he'd neer gotten a chance to say goodbye, let alone comfort his team-mate.
"I'm sorry," he said, hugging her gently.
"Charin used to do everything for today," Teyla murmured, the loss of her friend much more raw than the loss of her mother, "That me and Halling need to do now. She told the stories, she would perform the ceremony that Halling and I must... I feel like such a CHILD, crying about this!" she laughed bitterly at herself. "But she was ALWAYS THERE: I never imagined what it would be like when she was gone." she turned her head into his chest and wept.
John held er, not sure what else to do. He knew that he was no good with words; knowing his luck, he'd just make it worse. So instead, he tried to let his actions speak his love, figuring that it would be far more effective. He rocked her gently and stroked her hair, being as soft and gentle as possible.
Eventually, Teyla straightened, and attempted to dry her tears.
"I need to go over to the mainland, soon" she said. "They expect me, they need me..."
"Don't they care about what YOU need?" she sighed, ans set her jaw.
"I need to do this."
"Teyla, they shouldn't be making you do this if it makes you miserable. It's not fair of your people-"
"They gave me the choice to do it or not," she told him. "And I chose to go. I need to do this, for both of them. This is the last way that I can honor Charin." John knew that no matter how she felt, she was going to do it, too. He searched his mind fot something that he could do; he couldn't stand to see her so upset and not be able to do anything.
"I'll come with you!" he blurted. Teyla's eyes softened. "I'll come with you," he repeated, "for as long as you need me." Teylalooked at him with big, earnest eyes.
"Thank you, John," she whispered.
"Anytime," he assured her. He looked around for a clock. "Do you know what time you need to be over there? Teyla glanced into her room, which had gotten lighterin the past couple of minutes as the sun started to rise.
"Soon," she asaid simply.
"Okay, so meet me in the jumper bay in... ten minutes?" he must have guessed close enough to "soon", because she nodded.
"Ten minutes," she agreed. John helped her to her feet, and went to go prep the jumper and inform Elizabeth of his plans.
Ten minutes later, Teyla was at the jumper. John stepped down the ramp, and noticed that she had changed; and there was now no evidence of what he had witnessed that morning on her face now.
"You ready to go?" she nodded.
"Yes."
For a while they were quiet, as John set them ona course towards the mainland.
"So, tell me about this holiday," he asked eventually. Teyla shrugged.
"One of Charin's anscestors, Laelee was taken; and she escaped, and helped many others to escape the wraith as well. We celebrate her return."
"Return?"
"Yes, she came back a year later with over fifty refugees, and one who claimed to be a runner. They eventually married."
"That's pretty cool," John said. "So what kind of ceremony is it?"
"It is difficult to explain," she dodged. "But much of it is sung. Years ago, Charin and my grandfather used to do it..." he saw her eyes get misty with the memories.
"Is there anything that you need me to do?" he questioned, wanting to be able to do more than just be there. Teyla shook her head, though.
"It is enough that you will be there," she assured him, before sinking into silence again and fooling with her necklace. In spite of everything, that necklace still made John smile. He didn't know why it always surprised him when she wore it; because she always did, and he figured that he shouldn't be shocked anymore. But it meant more to him than he had ever admitted; because of what it actually did mean, regardless of whether or not she knew what that was. He still did.
"The best in me," he murmured to himself, hiding his smile at the memory. Yes, everything good in him came out when she was there. He couldn't imagine going back to earth and leaving her behind.
He snapped abruptly out of his reverie as the mainland came into view.
"Almost there, he announced, breaking Teyla out of her thoughts as well. She took a deep, steadying breath, and John was briefly concerbed that she really wasn't okay. But he remembered their earlier conversation; and while she looked exhausted, she was determined; and he was sure that she would do it even if she were dying. She had to go through with this.
When they landed, several of her people whisked her away for last minute preparations or something, and John didn't see her again until right before the ceremony started. She was suddenly right before him, hugging him tightly as if that was the only thing keeping her from falling. Awkwardly, he returned her hug, and finally she looked up at him and smiled shakily.
"Thank you," she whispered. Then she went and joined Halling, who was standing before the crowd of Athosians, who waited patiently in respectful silence for the two to begin the ceremony. And after a moment and another deep breath, she began to sing.
John was instantly captivated by the sound of her voice as the first notes rose into the air. They were high and clear and perfect; he didn't recognize the words that she was singing, buthe doubted that he would have remembered a single one after. What really mattered was the sound of her voice; and he was almost angry when Halling's low, rich voice rose to join hers, taking some of the focus off of her lyrical tones.
He'd known that Teyla could sin; but for all the time that he'd known her he'd never heard her REALLY sing before. He regretted never paying attention before.
Far too soon, that part of the ceremony was over; and time was taken to honor the descendants of each of the refugees that had been rescued, as well as those of the direct line Laelee herself. And there was a smaller, separate ceremony also, to honor Teyla's mother as well. After all of the ceremonies were complete, everyone gathered a large, heavy-laden tables and shared a meal, secretly one of John's favorite Athosian traditions.
"That was amazing," he murmured to Teyla, sliding into a seat next to her at the table. She looked up at him and smiled tiredly.
"Thank you," she said earnestly.
"Why don't you sing for us?" he asked, taking a sip of his drink and making a face at the bitter flavor.
"I do not often have a chance," she said. "And it is not something that I do simply to perform; it has to MEAN something." she took a sip of her own drink, and didn't even blink.
"So how much more of this is there?" he asked. "I mean, how much longer to you have to be here?"
"Until tomorrow."
"Do you want me to stay tonight? Everyone else is coming over to the beach tomorrow morning for one of MY favorite holidays; so I'd be back anyways." she nodded slowly.
"I would like that," she seemed about to continue, but one of her people said something to her, and instantly the vulnerability that she had with him disappeared, and she was once again the strong, unshakable leader that she'd always been for her people. John pretended to concentrate on his meal, secretly still watching her. She didn't seem to need him, but he definitely needed to be there.
-----------
The various ceremonies and traditions lasted well past dark, but eventually the children were sent to bed, and all the adults gathered around fires with hot drinks and talked, simply glad to be together with a reason to celebrate.
John stayed close to Teyla, but her people gave her space, knowing that this day in particular had been haard for her. She joined one of the groups by the fires, but they drifted aways slowly until John and Halling were the only ones left with her.
"Are you alright?" Halling asked, kneeling before her and taking her hands. Teyla nodded slowly.
"Yes," the word came out a sigh. John saw Halling look deep into her eyes.
"Aly and Charin have both been honored today," he told her.
"So has Adia," Teyla replied. Halling didn't;t answer, just bowed his head, and she leaned forward until her forehead touched his. After a long moment, the spell was broken, and Halling left, leaving Sheppard and Teyla alone by the fire.
"Who was Aly?" John asked hesitantly.
"My mother."
"Oh," he paused. "And Adia?"
"She was Halling's wife," she explained. "She was killed by a wraith."
"I'm sorry," from the tone of her voice, he could tell that she and Adia had been very good friends. He kicked himself for making her dwell on it, and wished that he could take it back.
Uncharacteristically, Teyla leaned against him, beyond exhaustion. He felt her sigh and relax against him, and soon her slow, even breathing informed him that she was asleep.
"John?" she mumbled sleepily, surprising him for a bout half a second. But he should have known that Teyla didn't sleep that easy.
"Yeah, Teyla?"
"Thank you for all that you've done for me, especially today. I..." she yawned, "...I do not think that I could have done this without you."
"I'll do whatever you need me to do," he promised, not remembering if he'd already said that to her today. He felt her snuggle closer to him, and this time he was sure that she was drifting off again. He waited a few moments, but this time she really was aslep. He was glad; she needed to rest. He hoped that she would feel better tomorrow.
Eventually, he felt his eyelids grow heavy as well, and decided that he should probably find some place to bed down for the night. Gently, he lifted Teyla's sleeping form in his arms, and brought her into her tent. He laid her on the bed and covered her with a soft blanket, tenderly stroking a strand of hair back from her face. Sighing, he turned to go and saw Halling standing in the doorway, watching him carefully.
"I was just leaving-"
"I know," Halling said gravely. "But she needs you here tonight." he glanced sadly past him at their sleeping friend, his forehead lined with concern. A second later he returned his gaze to Sheppard. "As long as you promise not to-"
"What? No, never!" he promised. He would never do anything like Halling was thinking; especially not to Teyla. "I'll sleep across the door." the smallest hint of a smile chased across Halling's face.
"I believe that she will appreciate that." He sounded almost amused, and John couldn'tbegin to guess why. But the man gave him no clue; he merely bowed his head and bid him goodnight, and left the tent. Once he was gone, Sheppard gathered a pillow and a blanket that he hoped Teyla wouldn't mind him using, and laid out across her doorway and was soon fast asleep.
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Teyla woke up, and was surprised to find herself in bed; she had no memory of returning to her tent. For a moment she didn't move, but laid there, breathing deeply, feeling more rested than she had in a long time. Judging from the still darkness of her tent, she guessed it to be about four o'clock in the morning.
Gradually, she noticed someone elses soft, deep breathing. She rolled over and looked around, and her eyes settled on a dark shape laying across her doorway. As her eyes adjusted to the darkness, she saw a head of messy dark hair, and she smiled when she realized that it was John. He had no idea how comforting his position was; and she doubted that he even realized what it meant to her that he was protecting her now. She loved him so much in that moment, she wanted to tell him... but she let him sleep. He had woken up before her, and had definitely fallen asleep after. He needed to rest just as much as she had; maybe more.
She let him sleep.
Fin.